Monday, September 24, 2007

creative writing for idiots

While parking my motorcycle last night, I got into a heated discussion with the owner of the house I'd parked in front of the night before. Being the bookish coward that I am, I figured I'd vent my frustrations in written form, with Craigslist's Rants and Raves section seeming like the ideal forum. So I logged on and posted the following message:

"Where the fuck am I supposed to park my bike?

"Why is it so fucking hard to find a decent parking spot in this goddamn city? I live in the sunset, so you'd think there'd be plenty of spots for a motorcycle--it only takes up like two feet of curb space, for Christ's sake! But I've had my bike knocked over, run into, even pushed up on the curb by some SUV driving idiot. I've had the sidestand bent, the front fender cracked, the forks twisted, and now the brakes are all messed up too. I tried putting it on the sidewalk, alongside a building and out of the way, and I ended up with a $125 ticket. And tonight, when I went to move my bike so it wouldn't get a street cleaning ticket tomorrow morning, some asshole came down from his house to tell me not to park in front of his property. "Parking is tight here," he told me, "and I've got three cars. I don't want you to take up space where my wife could park." Maybe he should get rid of one of those cars, then. Or maybe he should put a car in his fucking garage, and another in his driveway. Then he wouldn't need three spots on the fucking street. Then he wouldn't need to worry about the two feet of space my goddamn piece of shit busted up rustbucket deathtrap motorcycle occupies when I'm not riding it. Fuck."

I logged on today to see if there were any responses. There were two. Here is the first:

"This is what you get for driving everyone crazy with your NOISY, LOUD, OBNOXIOUS motorcycle. Also, your incredibly RUDE and illegal driving--lane splitting, speeding, weaving, etc.

"Motorcyclists are scum with small cocks. I always call the meter maids when I see one parked on the sidewalk or anywhere else illegal"

and here is the second:

"How about in your big fucking ass,look like it would fit.gotta love them pedal pushing morons.My someone run you over you ugly cow and GET A REAL BIKE"

The first post is stupid enough, with it's assumptions about me and the type of bike I ride (neither of which are accurate, by the way--my bike has stock mufflers so it isn't loud, and I'm a very cautious driver who doesn't split lanes), but the second post is so moronic that it boggles my mind. I'm guessing the author of the second post was responding to the original response to my post, which included a picture of a crazy-looking white lady with the words "I am a victim" in a speech balloon coming out of her mouth. Somehow, the second responder didn't realize they were responding to a response, and assumed that the lady in the picture was the poster, and a bicyclist trashing motorcyclists.

I wasn't expecting intelligent commentary, mind you. I've wasted my share of time reading the Rants and Raves section while at work waiting to go home, so I'm familiar with the mindless belligerence that typifies the posts there. Even so, I was taken aback by this whole exchange. It seems like the people reading and posting in this section are so eager to attack that they don't even bother to determine whom they're attacking. It's gone beyond unreasonable complaints, beyond even the broadest generalized group-hating. It's become so stupid and so aggressive that it makes me think that the average poster must be a lobotomized nazi with rabies.

With that in mind, I've attempted to craft the ultimate Rant and Rave post. It follows below. Feel free to copy it to your desktop so it'll be handy in case you ever want a taste of the nonsensical animosity offered up by Craig, that tech-savvy altruist. You don't have to log on any more! No need to thank me.

"FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKIN' FUCK"

"FUCK you, you FUCKIN' FUCK. Fuck you and your fuckin' fucked up KYKE/SPIC/HONKEY/PORCH-MONKEY/SLANT-EYE ass. Fuck you you fuckin' FAGGOT/BREEDER/FRIGID-BITCH-WHO-WON'T-HAVE-SEX-WITH-ME/DICKLESS LOSER/HORN-DOG ASSHOLE! Fuck you and ALL the MOTHERFUCKERS LIKE YOU! Fuck fuck fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFKUCKUFKFUCKFUKUCKUFKE FLWFRLSHRLSERL:HKJERL!!!!!!!!!!!! ARRROOOOO!!!!!!!!!! MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK!"

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